i miss tblog terribly. i went over my entries for this blog and it seems to me that i am able to write better with this blog home instead of the other. i will still update this blog from time to time, that i promise. no one checks this blog now and im free to write any absurdities without ever considering who might be reading this blog. hehe

oh well till here, in the mean time for more updated news about my life you may click HeRe!

barely a week ago we had a talk, I wouldn’t say it’s an argument more of a melancholy talk about the unspoken things between us. Some things he chose not to discuss and I chose not to ask about so as to avoid getting into a fight and keeping up with the notion that we just live by the moment. No strings attached. I could go on with my life doing things I want to do and meeting people I want to meet without answering to him and same goes for him. Although im perfectly aware that I am on the losing end of the bargain, I took it in just for the momentary bliss it will bring me. Even if by tomorrow or the next day or the next month may be, he’d wake up one morning and find out that he feels head over heels in love with another girl, then I just don’t have a say to that. I have to swallow the bitter truth without any right to tell him how painful that is to me.

I was told by val previously that I shouldn’t settle for this kind of set up. Not only does it serve me no good by playing the martyr, more so, it’s the perfect kind of set up for a guy. He has someone to cuddle with at times when the nights are lonely but he doesn’t have a commitment to me which gives him the freedom to check out other girls any time he pleases. But I asked him, what difference does it make if one is committed? I know of some guys who are in long term relationships but still has the guts to look around and play around. Which brings me to another question – which is more painful to have the guy commit an act of betrayal when he is committed to you or to have him do that when he made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t answer to you but you blindly went ahead and accepted that kind of set up?

I felt my confidence level completely ebbed   :cry:  again sometime last week after seeing a couple of text messages on his phone from the girl he claimed to be “the one who got away”. I’ve long avoided checking his phone messages as I know I do not have a right to do that. But since he does check my phone messages as well, I figured it would be just okay. One time he saw a text message from M and was all of a sudden in a sullen mood after that. He just sent me a message since I sent a group message thru ym to all the people in my list greeting them a happy new year. When I asked him how come he’s like that but when I ask him about the text messages of ms.d1hugotaway, he went berserk. I stopped talking and left for the office with a heavy heart. I felt so down that I was ready to breathe fire on the agents asking me stupid questions. Then he kept on calling me and buzzing me thru ym to apologize. He said that’s the reason why he is not yet ready to commit, that he still has demons in his head and he might hurt me again. I have to keep mum about since I opted to have this kind of set up. He kept on apologizing telling me I have every right to feel bad about the situation since “I’m his baby, I’m his girl.” Hmmm… I didn’t know that. I told him not to mind me, as I have no claims over him. I told him “yes there may be a you and me but there is no us”.

I went home last week to my dad’s place to visit them. Likewise, I got the items my cousins and aunts and uncles from the states sent me. There’s perfume there for a guy so I got it for him since my dad has tons of it that still remains unopened. He was baffled when I handed him the perfume. He asked me whether my cousins knew that we broke up and whether ninang knew it as well. Said yup. I was then washing my green mango at the sink. Then he asked, “alam ba nila ninang na tayo na ulit?” I suddenly dropped the mango and gave him a blank stare… Uhmmm… heller kelan pa????  :o  :o  :o   kelan pa tayo ulit??? He laughed at me and I had to run to him and pinch him. Apparently, kami nap ala di ko lang alam. Oh well, sometimes being a martyr has its rewards.

Just a few days ago I was at the apartment and we were having breakfast when all of a sudden the words tumbled out of his mouth: “It’s nice to have you back baby.” I was racking my brain as to how to respond to him but I couldn’t, all I could muster was real warm smile.  :D

im extremely tired of this whole call center job. i never thought it could be this toxic. might be isolated for this account since i used to see my former wave mates who were promoted as team leads for the previous account i used to work for are not this toxic. they could go home 30minutes right after their shift, while we on the other hand are bound to extend due to the extremely high volume of deliverables. in fact yesterday, i left the office past 10am already when in fact my shift starts at 9pm. imagine i have a working schedule worse than that of a security guard, no offense to security guards but at least they're not as stressed as we are.

oh well, im sorry to start the year whining. but gosh i badly need some rest, and i mean real rest. i hope i could take at least a 3 day vacation leave in connection to my restdays. that would be really great!

2004.

the year that was.

a roller coaster ride. got crashed and burned. made stupid and hasty decisions. grew up. smiled. laughed. cried. prayed. made friends. lost friends. a lot of memorable and forgettable events.

sometimes when i look back i couldnt actually believe i survived this year. it is utterly unbelievable how i made it thru and how i, again, found something that i thought i already lost. life is still worth living after all.

but one thing that i've learned through this year is that God will always give you something to smile about...

I still have a hang over with regard to our trip to la luz. It was breath-taking, I swear. We all had our moments, and the most romantic part is that we arrived there at almost 5pm so we got a spectacular view of the sunset. I was amused by coocoo’s insights while we were lounging at one of those shaded bamboo beds (whatever u call it) fronting the beach. In the first place he was not supposed to be part of that out of town trip since it was my team’s team building activity, but with a wonderful twist of fate and much cajoling from my ops manager who happens to be a good friend of his as well he gave in.
He was telling me about his realizations while we were cuddling up on the beach under the sunset. He was genuinely amazed at how God works in such mysterious ways. He said if his atm card was not demagnetized and card captured then he would probably be in divisoria that morning purchasing gifts for Christmas instead of him going to alabang to borrow money from me. I just had to smile at him while he was telling me about his insights.

The whole trip was worth it but quite bitin. The food was sumptuous and free flowing, yup di sha tipid! The massage made me doze off. Had my 3 agents did not wake me up I would have slept on the cabana for till sunrise. There was a bonfire but I was too tired to go down again and stay up. I woke up really early ‘round 4am and I was so hungry I ate the food that alex (one of my agent – who brought his wife and daughter along), brought inside the room for his kid. I was dying with excitement to watch the sunrise, and yes we were able to do so.

Babe and I took a dip really early and it was freezing cold and after that we had a big big breakfast. The whole trip back was also great we were all laughing the whole time. Funny coz babe doesn’t want to go there initially since that date coincides with their xmas party at the apartment but then when he got there he got all too fascinated with the place he ended up planning his own team building to be held there as well.

Oh well, God certainly has a way of making me smile.

im so toxic! in Filipino translation, ako ay nakakalason! Hehe joke. What I mean is that i’m going gaga over the things that I need to accomplish, my backlogs and all that stuffs that are going on at work. Everytime I feel like giving up and resigning, I just try to remind myself that this is what I want to begin with. I chanced upon a good friend of mine the other day thru yahoo messenger. She’s already resigned, she is really good though but she just isn’t patient enough. I told her about my predicament but she told me I should stay since this is what I really wanted in the first place.

On the other hand, things are looking good for some things. I’m quite happy and I just had a last trip to the beach for this year. My team had a team building at La Luz Resort at Batangas last Sunday and it was totally memorable, the place is breath-taking, its as if you were not in Batangas. It was so peaceful and quiet, like a world of its own. Best of all, my baby came with us.

im so close to tears. im on the verge of crying right now. im short of sleep, unhappy with my work, and uncertain of my lovelife, if u call such a love life.

i shouldnt really be soliciting compliments. sorry for not bothering to be detailed, i cant, otherwise all pent up emotions might come up to the surface and i might just end up crying here.

no not now, not when we are to start with our meeting. not in front of my boss who happens to be his good friend. not now when everything else in my world is falling apart.

dont cry erlyn dont cry ur better than this. no expectations remember? put this in ur head -- ur not pretty! ur just a plain jane! ur just u nothing special!!!

as of the last 3 mos, from the time that i have been promoted i haven't been absent, which is so unlike me. not that i am always absent, i doubt that i'll get the promotion if i were but its just that once in a while i feel that i am entitled to my leaves aside from the fact that my previous supervisor is lenient when it comes to sick leave consumptions so we could just call him up and tell him we'll be using our sick leaves regardless of the reason he'll approve of it. we just need to be honest with him.

yesterday our nasty senior operations manager had an hour talk with me. she's been meeting with everyone on the management team. she is a talking embarassment i should say for the call center that we are working for. on top of that she also very much full of herself. i had so much of  the "I" talk. I have a winning spirit... I have passion for my work... Hmmm it figures kaya pala di marunong ng tenses sa sentence construction. my gawd gusto ko tumambling kahapon when she said "Respect for the individual - the agents should know that, so if they are done with their calls the best thing to do is to went home that way others wont be disturb." Good luck!

Her consistency in being stupid when it comes to the english language is something that we could accept, we need a comic relief once in a while but what i find totally abominable of all that she said is the fact that we are not allowed to take vacation leaves for the next 6 months! putangina nya!!! kasalanan ko ba na may leaves na ko at sya wala??? grabe sarap nya pasabugin!!!

i went on a 2-day vacation leave last week (friday and saturday) which was prior to my days off (sunday and monday). we are starting to be inseparable again, which suits us both i should say. after my shift on friday morning, i went home to him. he has training that night since he moved to a different account where the company is grooming him to be an ops manager. but he asked me to stay at the apartment that way when he goes home in the morning i'd still be there.

saturday morning we went to alabang to pick up the cradle of his hp jornada, which he bought from my former teammate - armin. prior to that he went to digicafe with his new team. i on the otherhand had to go home to change into something decent. we were supposed to meet up at insular bldg but since he was already at digi he told me to just pick him up there. i was surprised coz he texted me telling me to go there that way he could introduce me to the team. well, last minute he decided against it ayaw daw nya madaming tanong since di pa naman daw kami. oh well wag nating i-pressure baka makulitan. right now, the fact that he's there would suffice.

after dropping by at the alabang site we went to starbucks beside frank provost where my agents were hanging out. they were so ecstatic when we showed up. my agents call me "mommy" and so when we showed up they were too hyper and coocoo got the shock of his life when they were all calling him daddy.

we stayed there till noon time. we cant get enough gabbing. and coocoo warmed up as well he was telling them stories as well about work. afterwards we went to alabang town center where he scouted for a new phone. we looked around and decided we'll have lunch first that way he could make up his mind on what kind of phone to buy. and speaking of lunch well with him there's no other place to eat but kfc.

while we were eating, i happen to sit beside a little boy who's so cute and charming. he's wearing eyeglasses too and was conversing with his dad in perfect english. coocoo and i were talking about the phone when all of a sudden he said:

"gusto mo makita ano itsura ng magiging anak natin?"

i was shocked to hear that come from him. i learned my lesson in the past not to talk about anything concerning the future especially something that serious. it really warmed my heart to hear that from him, at least it made me feel that he's still considering a future with me. at least i know this is going somewhere not only on my part but on his as well.

i went check out this site which has so many memories of him. i said i will no longer update this blog. but somehow i could not resist myself when i read thru the comments made by my blogger friends (some of them have ceased to be) on my last post.

i miss him still. i know he would not check out this site again so i now feel comfortable exposing my thoughts.  just as i know that no one else will be visiting this blog, at least none of my ex-blogger friends or my current blogger friends as they all know that i have already moved to a new site. yes i will still be keeping my other site, which is the first one that i started. but this blog will still hold a special place in my heart just like that boy that still has my heart.

"i gave my heart a long time ago... and never really got it back"

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;     --- sweet home alabama